The beginning is like...

I have never done anything like this. I guess I never thought that anyone would be interested in hearing what I have to say. I am still not sure anyone will be interested, but this isn't designed for everyone else. This is therapeutic. This is a place to emote freely, and get my feelings out there.

I encourage anyone who decides to read this to do the same. All responses, thoughts, concerns, and criticisms are welcome.

Generally starting at the beginning is good.

My name is Katie. I am 25 years old and I recently discovered that life constantly changes. OK, I guess to most this is not anything new, so maybe I should clarify. I recently discovered that life constantly changes and we don't always have control over those changes.

For a self proclaimed (and therapeutically diagnosed) obsessive compulsive control freak like myself, this is an incredibly difficult concept to grasp. I have lived the majority of my life holding every aspect of my life so tightly, so very sure that I could make the world bend and twist to my will.

Lately, I have had a bit of a wake up call. I am happily married to my husband Matt, approaching our two year anniversary. We have a wonderful house, a great dog, and an amazing support system with our families. I am very blessed and I try not to forget it (easier said than done as most of us know).

Recently the hubby and I have decided to grow our family. Naturally I assumed that we would decide this, attempt it, and we would be pregnant. After all, we had planned it. We waited until it made financial sense. We waited until we had a well established familial base. So now, we should get pregnant.

Unfortunately, as my mother told me many many times, we make plans and God laughs. So when it didn't happen the second we decided to make it happen, the control freak in me is having to let go. I don't have much in the way of control in this situation. And as much as that pains me, it is a part of life.

You should know that from a very young age I had it all figured out. I knew what I wanted to be, which at the time was an organic chemist; I now work in compliance in the business world, so I might have been a little bit off on that one. I knew I would have a great husband, two kids, and a great house. I would always make the smart well planned decision, a mantra I have continued to follow throughout my adult life.

I have discovered two things about this mantra in the last year:
1. Life is boring when you plan everything out.
2. The world doesn't give a shit about your plans.

Now, as I said earlier, #2 seems fairly obvious to most people, but it wasn't for me. I have trained myself to operate under the delusion that I have complete control over my life.

This has lead to some serious disappointments, and missed opportunities.

I remember riding my bike all over the neighborhood when I was a kid. For hours I would ride back and forth in the street, trying new tricks, wanting to impress my friends. I distinctly remember the thrill I would get when I would let go of the handle bars. There was that second when I realized that if I was thrown off balance at all, I could crash and burn. And then I would move past the fear and enjoy the thrill.

I can tell you from experience, you miss some of the funnest moments in life when you refuse to let go of the handles.

Life is a bike ride that is a whole lot more fun when you allow yourself to let go.