Well, we have all had them. Bad weeks. The hard part is, you can rarely see them coming, and what is worse, once they start it seems like there is nothing you do can stop them.
I can generally deal with a bad work week. I have learned to accept that sometimes you are just going to get slammed and that is the nature of the beast. So, although I have had a hectic week when it comes to work, that is not what qualifies this week as a "bad week".
The problem is when you come home from your hectic work day and can't have the sanctuary you anticipate having. That's right, this was a very rough week in the marital department. But in order for you to understand why this is so difficult, I think you need a quick back story.
My husband, Matt, and I could not be more opposite. As we have worked on our relationship, we have learned (and are still trying to learn) how to make those conflicts work for us, rather than against us. Many times, we find we can balance each other out. I tend to be the type A personality, shocking, I know. Matt tends to sit back and hope everything works out. As I mature, I have come to realize that ::gasp:: Matt has the right take on life sometimes. Sometimes it is better to let fun be the most important thing, and I am all for fun, but I think it needs to be balanced with the responsibilities we now face. And that, ladies and gents, is where our fight begins.
Matt and I have been getting on each others nerves all week. It happens, sometimes there are really good times and sometimes there are not so good times. Regardless of the fact that it might have been better for us to take a time out, yesterday evening we decided to go to a comedy show with some friends. After the intermission, Matt looks at a flyer for a St. Patty's Day party and says "No one has picked up my shift for Friday yet." My eyebrows crinkle as I respond, "Why are you taking Friday off???"
Apparently my husband felt the need to take an entire day off work so that he could go out partying the day before. I am sorry, but aren't we past this? Isn't this something the old Matt would do?
Don't get me wrong, in all reality this has nothing to do with the fact that he wants to take a day off. Or even with the fact that he wants to go out and party on St. Patricks Day, more power to him! But since when does it become OK to shuck off all responsibilities and call in because you want to party?
I am suddenly terrified of the path we are on together. I thought that we were ready to enter a complete new stage of our lives, but maybe I was wrong. Becoming a parent is the biggest responsibility you could ever take on. I need to know that we are ready for this.
Granted, it would not be the first time I have over reacted to a situation. This could mean nothing, but it shook up some very real emotions and fears in me. I want so desperately to know we are doing the right thing. Do you ever get to be 100% sure of a decision like this? I thought I was, but now I am scared. What if we get pregnant and it turns out he is not ready? He is such a good man, but can he put his own needs aside to be a good father? Can I put my needs aside?
We don't get to know these answers. That isn't life. We don't get to know the path laid out for us or where we will end up.
Life is getting behind the wheel completely blind and trusting that the person you choose to help you navigate won't cause you to crash. Matt and I got in that car fully aware of the stakes, but is it fair to put another passenger in the vehicle without their consent?
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The beginning is like...
I have never done anything like this. I guess I never thought that anyone would be interested in hearing what I have to say. I am still not sure anyone will be interested, but this isn't designed for everyone else. This is therapeutic. This is a place to emote freely, and get my feelings out there.
I encourage anyone who decides to read this to do the same. All responses, thoughts, concerns, and criticisms are welcome.
Generally starting at the beginning is good.
My name is Katie. I am 25 years old and I recently discovered that life constantly changes. OK, I guess to most this is not anything new, so maybe I should clarify. I recently discovered that life constantly changes and we don't always have control over those changes.
For a self proclaimed (and therapeutically diagnosed) obsessive compulsive control freak like myself, this is an incredibly difficult concept to grasp. I have lived the majority of my life holding every aspect of my life so tightly, so very sure that I could make the world bend and twist to my will.
Lately, I have had a bit of a wake up call. I am happily married to my husband Matt, approaching our two year anniversary. We have a wonderful house, a great dog, and an amazing support system with our families. I am very blessed and I try not to forget it (easier said than done as most of us know).
Recently the hubby and I have decided to grow our family. Naturally I assumed that we would decide this, attempt it, and we would be pregnant. After all, we had planned it. We waited until it made financial sense. We waited until we had a well established familial base. So now, we should get pregnant.
Unfortunately, as my mother told me many many times, we make plans and God laughs. So when it didn't happen the second we decided to make it happen, the control freak in me is having to let go. I don't have much in the way of control in this situation. And as much as that pains me, it is a part of life.
You should know that from a very young age I had it all figured out. I knew what I wanted to be, which at the time was an organic chemist; I now work in compliance in the business world, so I might have been a little bit off on that one. I knew I would have a great husband, two kids, and a great house. I would always make the smart well planned decision, a mantra I have continued to follow throughout my adult life.
I have discovered two things about this mantra in the last year:
1. Life is boring when you plan everything out.
2. The world doesn't give a shit about your plans.
Now, as I said earlier, #2 seems fairly obvious to most people, but it wasn't for me. I have trained myself to operate under the delusion that I have complete control over my life.
This has lead to some serious disappointments, and missed opportunities.
I remember riding my bike all over the neighborhood when I was a kid. For hours I would ride back and forth in the street, trying new tricks, wanting to impress my friends. I distinctly remember the thrill I would get when I would let go of the handle bars. There was that second when I realized that if I was thrown off balance at all, I could crash and burn. And then I would move past the fear and enjoy the thrill.
I can tell you from experience, you miss some of the funnest moments in life when you refuse to let go of the handles.
Life is a bike ride that is a whole lot more fun when you allow yourself to let go.
I encourage anyone who decides to read this to do the same. All responses, thoughts, concerns, and criticisms are welcome.
Generally starting at the beginning is good.
My name is Katie. I am 25 years old and I recently discovered that life constantly changes. OK, I guess to most this is not anything new, so maybe I should clarify. I recently discovered that life constantly changes and we don't always have control over those changes.
For a self proclaimed (and therapeutically diagnosed) obsessive compulsive control freak like myself, this is an incredibly difficult concept to grasp. I have lived the majority of my life holding every aspect of my life so tightly, so very sure that I could make the world bend and twist to my will.
Lately, I have had a bit of a wake up call. I am happily married to my husband Matt, approaching our two year anniversary. We have a wonderful house, a great dog, and an amazing support system with our families. I am very blessed and I try not to forget it (easier said than done as most of us know).
Recently the hubby and I have decided to grow our family. Naturally I assumed that we would decide this, attempt it, and we would be pregnant. After all, we had planned it. We waited until it made financial sense. We waited until we had a well established familial base. So now, we should get pregnant.
Unfortunately, as my mother told me many many times, we make plans and God laughs. So when it didn't happen the second we decided to make it happen, the control freak in me is having to let go. I don't have much in the way of control in this situation. And as much as that pains me, it is a part of life.
You should know that from a very young age I had it all figured out. I knew what I wanted to be, which at the time was an organic chemist; I now work in compliance in the business world, so I might have been a little bit off on that one. I knew I would have a great husband, two kids, and a great house. I would always make the smart well planned decision, a mantra I have continued to follow throughout my adult life.
I have discovered two things about this mantra in the last year:
1. Life is boring when you plan everything out.
2. The world doesn't give a shit about your plans.
Now, as I said earlier, #2 seems fairly obvious to most people, but it wasn't for me. I have trained myself to operate under the delusion that I have complete control over my life.
This has lead to some serious disappointments, and missed opportunities.
I remember riding my bike all over the neighborhood when I was a kid. For hours I would ride back and forth in the street, trying new tricks, wanting to impress my friends. I distinctly remember the thrill I would get when I would let go of the handle bars. There was that second when I realized that if I was thrown off balance at all, I could crash and burn. And then I would move past the fear and enjoy the thrill.
I can tell you from experience, you miss some of the funnest moments in life when you refuse to let go of the handles.
Life is a bike ride that is a whole lot more fun when you allow yourself to let go.
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